OFFICIAL HEATWAVE ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL TORTOISES.

I’ve just overheard the humans talking. They’ve seen the weather forecast. They are panicking. As usual.

This means many of us will shortly be picked up against our will and dunked into a bath every five minutes because apparently humans believe we’ll instantly shrivel up if the temperature goes above 25°C.

Or even worse…

Some of them will come charging into our enclosure with the hosepipe, completely soaking the ground, so we’re expected to spend the day walking around in what feels like a muddy swamp.

Now listen carefully…

There are rumours that all these baths are to stop us becoming dehydrated.

Unfortunately, on some occasions, they can have the opposite effect…

…because if your human keeps interrupting your afternoon nap every half an hour to plonk you in another bath, you’ll become exhausted long before you become dehydrated.

So here’s my advice.

If your human has provided you with a nice shallow soaking tray that you can walk into by yourself, this is your moment.

Walk in.

Have a drink.

Enjoy a little soak.

Walk back out.

Pretend you’ve only just discovered it.

Your human will think they’re an absolute genius. Secretly, you’ve just trained them to leave you alone. After all, we behave like adults from the moment we hatch.

We don’t need to be supervised every five minutes.

Now, about this heatwave…

Please don’t make the mistake humans do.

You won’t find us lying in the middle of the garden covered in baby oil, trying to turn ourselves into jacket potatoes.

Humans call this “sunbathing.”

We call it “poor thermoregulating.”

When it gets really hot, we do exactly what our family has been doing for over 200 million years.

We head for the shade.

We disappear under bushes.

We hide in long grass.

We dig down into lovely cool soil.

We thermoregulate.

It’s almost as if evolution knew what it was doing.

Meanwhile, the humans are lying in the blazing midday sun, covered in baby oil, trying to cook themselves evenly on both sides. Then they wonder why they’ve got sunburn. Honestly… which species do you think has mastered this whole hot weather thing?

If your human comes rushing over shouting,

“Come on! It’s sunny! You should be out enjoying yourself!”…simply give them your best disappointed stare. Maybe a little hiss if they’re particularly enthusiastic.

Then head straight back under your favourite bush.

Remember, fellow tortoises…

Shade is your friend.

Digging is perfectly normal.

Soak when you decide.

Keep enjoying those lovely weeds and flowers.

Spend the hottest part of the day exactly where you want to be.

Humans…

We love them. They mean well. They’re just not very experienced at being tortoises.

Love, Manuel

P.S. If you see your humans lying outside covered in baby oil, roasting themselves in the midday sun……don’t laugh.

They’ve only been around for a few hundred thousand years.

We’ve had over 200 million years to perfect this heatwave business.

Who’s the clever one now?