An Important Announcement from Manuel​

Humans.

After many years of careful observation, I have reached an unavoidable conclusion:

You have absolutely no idea what you are doing.

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Now, before anyone becomes defensive and starts aggressively waving cucumbers around, let me introduce myself properly.

 

My name is Manuel.

I am a 12-year-old Mediterranean tortoise and Supreme Director of Human Education and Snack Quality Control at the Tortoise Hotel.

I have resided at the Tortoise Hotel since the age of five, where I have spent many long summers quietly studying your species from underneath flowerpots, basking rocks, outdoor enclosures, and strategically chosen hiding places.

 

During this time, I have witnessed:

• deeply concerning feeding choices

• unnecessary human panic

• tortoises being offered a cucumber as though it were luxury cuisine

• and humans building elaborate enclosures that we escape from before lunchtime

Over the years, ancient tortoise wisdom has been passed down to me through generations.

Important knowledge.

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Knowledge such as:

• where the best dandelions grow

• how to judge humans silently from a distance

• why fibre matters

• how to hear a fridge opening from three gardens away

• and why no Mediterranean tortoise has ever sat in a field dreaming about iceberg lettuce

 

Now, to be fair, humans do try very hard.

You buy books.
You watch videos.
You join tortoise groups online where somebody called Gary confidently announces strawberries are “absolutely fine in moderation.”

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Honestly, it is exhausting for all of us.

And so, after many years of observing the confusion surrounding tortoise care, I have decided intervention is necessary.

This guide has been created to help humans finally understand what Mediterranean tortoises actually need to live healthy, natural, enriched lives.

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Some of this information may be emotionally difficult for humans currently holding supermarket salad.

But together, I believe we can improve snack standards worldwide.

Now sit down quietly and let us begin.