Why My Human Says I’m “Too Much”

Morning, humans.

Why does my tortoise chase my feet? Let me explain why.

Apparently…

I have been banned from the ladies’ garden.

Not because I eat too many flowers.

Not because I once climbed into the water bowl and looked very pleased with myself.

No.

According to my human…“Manuel, you’re exhausting the girls.”

Honestly, I call it romance. She calls it harassment.

Apparently, we’re using different dictionaries.

Now, before you all start judging me… Yes, I do occasionally give the ladies a little nudge.

And yes…

I may have been known to nibble a leg now and then. I don’t mean to hurt anyone.

I’m simply… enthusiastic.

Very enthusiastic.

Actually…

Exceptionally enthusiastic.

Now, I’d also like the record to show…I am a proven gentleman.

My human has bred me before. I’ve got the certificates to prove it.

Baby Olivia?

That’s my daughter.

Don’t ask me who her mum was.

That’s not important.

The important bit is…She’s definitely mine.

Now, here’s the bit humans often get wrong.

In the wild, if a female has had enough of an overexcited male…

She simply walks away.

She disappears into a bush.

She wanders off over the hillside.

She finds somewhere peaceful where Captain Romance can’t follow.

But in a garden? She can’t. I know exactly where she lives.

Breakfast?

I’ll pop round.

Lunch?

Just checking she’s alright.

Afternoon nap?

Thought I’d surprise her.

Evening?

One last visit won’t hurt…

Apparently…

It does.

My human says the girls deserve some peace. Personally, I think they’re playing hard to get. So now I have my own bachelor garden.

The ladies have theirs. Everyone eats properly. Everyone relaxes.

And nobody has to spend the afternoon pretending to be a flowerpot just so I can’t find them.

Humans, this is actually a really important welfare lesson.

In captivity, females can’t simply walk away from a persistent male like they can in the wild.

Many experienced keepers keep males and females apart for most of the year because constant chasing, biting and mating attempts can leave the females stressed, exhausted and sometimes injured.

So yes…

I have my own garden now.

Not because I’m dangerous.

Apparently…

I’m just “a bit much.”

I still think Sheila winked at me yesterday.

My human insists she had something in her eye.

Lesson over, that's enough about the birds and the bees.

Manuel x