Why Do Some Of Us Look Like Tiny Pine Cones?

Morning, humans.

Can we have a little chat about lights? Not the sort that makes me look even more handsome (although I do appreciate good lighting). I’m talking about the ones humans spend hours choosing before they’ve even brought a tortoise home.

You see hundreds of questions.

“Which heat lamp?”

“Which UV?”

“How many watts?”

They’re all perfectly reasonable questions……but they’re often the wrong first question.

The first question should be:

“Where is my tortoise going to spend most of its life?”

If the answer is under a heat lamp indoors……it might be time to rethink your plan before bringing a tortoise home.

Experts who’ve spent decades studying tortoises have found that many of the problems humans worry about, including pyramiding, are rarely caused by just one thing.

Humans do love blaming one thing.

“It’s the lamp!”

“It’s the food!”

“It’s the UV!”

Life is rarely that simple. Too much time indoors, air that’s too dry, growing too quickly and not enough opportunity to simply… be a tortoise. It all adds up.

Here’s the thing humans often forget.

We weren’t designed to live under a heat lamp. We were designed to live outside.

Can you imagine?

“Morning, Manuel. Here’s your lamp. Same place as yesterday. See you in twelve hours.”

I’d lose my tiny tortoise mind.

Outside, life is full of choices. A bit of sunshine. A bit of shade. A wander through the weeds. A sit under a shrub. A dig into cool soil. Back into the sunshine. Then off to inspect next door’s flowers… purely for security purposes, obviously.

We spend our day deciding what feels right. Humans call it thermoregulating.

We simply call it……being a tortoise.

That’s why I always smile when I see humans spending weeks choosing the perfect heat lamp……before they’ve even built the garden.

Humans…

You’ve got it the wrong way round.

The outdoor enclosure is our home.

The heat lamp is simply there to help us when nature can’t.

Heat lamps and indoor accommodation absolutely have their place. They help keep us safe when the weather isn’t suitable.

But they should support nature…

…not replace it.

Before you fall in love with one of us…

Sorry, humans. (I’m already spoken for)

Now, when you decide to bring a tortoise home, build the garden first. Create a safe outdoor enclosure. Plant the weeds. Grow the flowers. Add places to climb and places to hide. Make somewhere we’d actually choose to spend our day.

Then think about the indoor set-up you’ll need for those colder days when the weather isn’t suitable.

Do it that way round…

…and you’ve already become a much better-trained human.

One more thing.

If your tortoise already has a pyramided shell, please don’t feel guilty.

You can’t change yesterday. But you can change tomorrow.

Give them fresh air.

Natural sunshine whenever the weather allows.

A garden full of weeds and flowers.

Space to wander. Space to choose. That’s where the real magic happens.

And while we’re on the subject…

Can we stop judging each other quite so quickly?

When you see a tortoise with a bumpy shell, you have absolutely no idea how it ended up that way.

Perhaps that tortoise has had three homes, living in a cage.

Perhaps it spent years living indoors before someone gave it a better life.

Perhaps it was rescued from people who only fed it supermarket lettuce.

Perhaps that human you’re criticising is the very reason that tortoise is now safe, loved and living as a tortoise should.

By the way…

My girlfriends, Tess and Daisy, have some of the biggest pyramids you’ve ever seen.

And before you ask…

No, there wasn’t a surgeon involved.

No silicone either!

Do I point it out?

Absolutely not. I’m a gentleman. I try not to stare.

They’re safe with me at the Tortoise Hotel now.

And to me… That’s far more beautiful than a perfect shell.

So before you write,

“Terrible shell.”

or

“You don’t know how to look after a tortoise.”

…stop.

Because you don’t know the story.

The shell tells you about the past.

The care it’s receiving today tells you about its future.

That’s something worth celebrating.

Because we tortoises notice kindness far more than we notice perfection.

And finally…

We weren’t designed to spend our lives under a spotlight.

Unless, of course, you’re as ridiculously handsome as me.

Then a little admiration is only natural.

Have a wonderful evening, humans.

Manuel  x

 P.S. Humans…

If you’ve enjoyed today’s lesson, pop over to our website and make sure you’re receiving all of my latest guides and human training sessions. (Manuels Club)

I’ve got plenty more lessons coming up, including how to build the perfect tortoise garden and all the things your tortoise wishes you’d known before bringing them home.