Why Do Humans Keep Picking Us Up?

Morning, humans.

I’ve lived at the Tortoise Hotel for many years now.

I’ve seen hundreds of tortoises come and go. We keep in touch, you know.

Word travels remarkably quickly through the tortoise network.

One thing absolutely baffles us all…

Why do humans insist on picking us up?

Honestly.

What in the yellow-headed dandelion possesses you?

We’re happily walking…You pick us up.

We’re enjoying a lovely patch of sunshine…You pick us up.

We’ve just found the perfect dandelion…You pick us up.

We’ve spent twenty minutes deciding which route to take across the garden… You pick us up and put us somewhere completely different!

Then comes the inspection.

“Are you alright?”

Well… I was.

“Look at his little face!”

Yes… I’ve had it for quite some time.

“Smile for the camera!”

Humans…pleaaase

We don’t even know what a camera is. Imagine if you were quietly enjoying a walk…

Then a giant hand appeared from the sky…Lifted you into the air…Turned you upright…Stared into your face…Gave you a kiss…

Then announced,

“Aren’t you adorable?”

Humans…

We are tortoises.

Not handbags.

Not teddy bears.

Not emotional support pebbles.

We’re designed to walk on the ground.

You’ll notice we don’t suddenly leap onto your lap demanding cuddles.

Unless, of course, you’re lying on the grass and we decide you’re an interesting hill to climb.

That’s completely different. That was our decision. Then there’s the kissing.

Oh, humans…

What did you have for breakfast?

Because I can assure you…

That doesn’t smell like viola or sowthistle.

And don’t even get me started on the humans who wrap us in little blankets.

My cousins tell me they simply freeze and wait for the whole ordeal to end.

Not because they suddenly love being cuddled…

But because they have absolutely no idea what this giant primate is doing.

Now, before you all panic…

Yes, sometimes you do need to pick us up.

If we’re in danger. If you’re giving us a health check. If you’re weighing us. Or moving us safely.

That’s helping us.

But if you’re picking us up because you fancy a cuddle…

That’s called human enrichment…

Not tortoise enrichment.

The greatest gift you can give a tortoise isn’t another cuddle.

It’s freedom.

Let us choose where to walk. Let us choose where to bask. Let us choose where to dig. Let us choose where to explore.

Sit quietly nearby instead.

Watch us.

You’ll soon discover we’re far more fascinating when we’re simply being tortoises.

We don’t measure love by how often you hold us.

We measure love by the life you let us live.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…

Im off before I witness one more tortoise being picked up and kissed goodbye .…

M x

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