Why Do Humans Keep Bringing Me Supermarket Food?

Can Mediterranean tortoises eat supermarket food? Learn which foods are safe, which should only be occasional treats, and how to provide a natural, healthy diet.

Good day, humans.

Before we begin today’s lesson, I’d just like to clear something up. Just like we tortoises have different subspecies…

Apparently, humans do too. There are lovely humans. There are confused humans.

There are humans who are still learning.

And then…

There is a particularly noisy subspecies called Human Trollus Facebookii.

You’ll recognise them instantly. They usually appear in the comments before they’ve finished reading the post. They’ve “kept tortoises for 88 years.”

They’ve “always done it this way.”

And they are absolutely certain they know exactly what every tortoise wants for lunch.

Now, some of the best keepers I know have looked after tortoises for decades.

Experience is priceless. But here’s something to think about…

Some of the finest tortoise keepers I’ve ever met have been caring for tortoises for decades.

Experience is wonderful. But every year, humans learn more about how tortoises live in the wild.

Science keeps discovering new things.

So surely it makes sense that humans keep learning, too?

Even I change my favourite weed occasionally…

Anyway…

Back to me.

I’ve been watching you. Some of you disappear in your noisy metal boxes and return carrying bags full of “fresh tortoise food.”

Can I just ask…

Have any of you ever seen a Waitrose growing in a meadow?

Or a Sainsbury’s halfway up a rocky hillside?

No?

Funny that.

Because neither have I.

And despite what you might think…

Deliveroo still refuses to deliver to tortoise burrows.

What I actually dream about isn’t a supermarket.

It’s wandering through a patch of weeds.

Stopping.

Having one bite.

Walking on.

Finding another flower.

Changing my mind.

Coming back.

Choosing between ten different plants.

That’s called grazing.

It’s what tortoises have evolved to do for millions of years.

I don’t want one neat pile of identical supermarket leaves. I want choice.

Campanula.

Plantain.

Sow thistle.

Violas

Petunias.

Safe clovers.

Mallows.

And dozens more.

Every one tastes different.

Every one brings something different.

To you…

They’re weeds.

To me…

They’re a five-star buffet.

So next time you’re wondering what I’d really like for dinner…

Don’t ask,

“What shall I buy?”

Ask,

“What can I safely grow or gather?”

You’ll make me a much happier tortoise.

And you’ll probably upset a member of the Human Trollus Facebookii society.

Which is always entertaining.

Love, Professor Manuel

P.S. Next lesson…

Why humans think changing from iceberg lettuce to fancy lettuce somehow turns it into gourmet tortoise cuisine?

Spoiler…

It’s still lettuce.