MANUEL’S GUIDE TO HUMANS: HOW TO PICK YOUR HUMAN

Tortoises, choose carefully.

Taking on a human is a very big commitment.

They can live for quite a long time; they require constant supervision and, once attached to you, they become incredibly difficult to rehome.

So don’t just take the first one who picks you up and says:

“Awwwwww.”

You need to observe them first.

The most important thing is to find one you think you can train.

Some humans are naturally very promising.

Look for one who notices a stare.

This is important.

A well-trained human should eventually be able to distinguish between:

I would like some food.

I would like that food.

I would like different food.

Move that.

Open this.

I wish to go over there.

And:

I have absolutely no reason for staring at you. I just wanted to see what you’d do.

Patience is another excellent quality.

A human may spend twenty minutes searching the garden for you while you sit quietly underneath a plant watching the whole thing.

Do not reveal yourself too early.

This is part of their training.

Eventually they’ll start crawling around on their hands and knees saying your name into bushes.

Excellent.

You’ve got a good one.

Gardening ability is also essential.

You don’t necessarily need to find an experienced gardener.

In fact, sometimes it’s better if you don’t.

Experienced gardeners can have ridiculous ideas about pulling up dandelions.

What you’re looking for is potential.

Within a few years, your human should be able to identify plantain from thirty paces and become visibly excited by an enormous sow thistle growing beside a car park.

This is progress.

You also need a human who isn’t overly precious about their belongings.

Shoes may be climbed on.

Patios may be pooed on.

Flowerbeds may be rearranged.

Plants may be eaten.

Things they have spent three hours carefully planting may need to be sat on immediately.

If this upsets them, keep looking.

A good human also understands personal space.

Specifically, that theirs belongs to you.

Feet are useful basking platforms.

Doorways are excellent places to stop.

And if your human is trying to walk somewhere, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t suddenly appear directly in front of them.

This keeps their reflexes sharp.

Food is an excellent final test.

Choose a human who understands that you require a proper tortoise diet, not one who thinks you’re some sort of tiny dustbin with a shell.

However, once you’ve selected them, it’s perfectly acceptable to behave as though you have never been fed in your entire life.

Stand by the food area.

Stare.

Pace.

Look weak.

If necessary, take one solemn bite of a dandelion and then stare at them again.

Humans are extremely susceptible to guilt.

Use this responsibly.

And finally, look for kindness.

Underneath all the strange noises, unnecessary worrying and constant need to photograph us, the best humans genuinely want to get it right.

They learn.

They change.

They worry when we disappear.

They grow weeds deliberately.

They spend money building us things we immediately ignore.

And they will happily crawl underneath a bush in their best clothes because they’re convinced we’ve gone missing.

That’s the human you want.

You’ll know when you’ve found one.

And if you’re very lucky, after twenty or thirty years of patient, consistent training…

you may finally be able to keep them.

Love Manuel x