I’ve been studying humans for many years ……and I’ve finally worked out why so many of them own smartphones.

Manuel’s Guide to Humans

At first, I assumed it was to photograph their food.

Which, incidentally, is another extraordinary human behaviour.

Imagine finding the perfect dandelion…

…and refusing to eat it until everyone had admired it.

But no…

That’s a lesson for another day.

Because then I noticed something even stranger.

Tortoise bottoms.

Humans…

May I ask you something?

Why?

You spend weeks telling everyone how beautiful we are.

You photograph our lovely shells.

You tell your friends how adorable we are.

Then, without warning…

…you turn us upside down.

To you it’s a quick look.

To us…

…it’s like being put through the spin cycle of a washing machine.

Everything’s spinning.

Our legs are waving in every direction.

The world’s suddenly upside down.

We’re wondering what’s just happened…

…and before you’ve even put us back on our feet…

…you’ve opened the camera app.

Then comes the photograph.

And before we’ve even recovered our dignity…

…our private parts have been introduced to several thousand complete strangers.

Fellow tortoises…

Don’t be alarmed.

Apparently this is perfectly normal human behaviour.

The humans aren’t trying to embarrass us.

They’re trying to answer one very important question…

“Boy or girl?”

Humans…

May I ask another question?

Did anybody stop to ask whether I’d like my private parts splashed all over the internet?

If another tortoise walked up to you…

Turned you upside down…

Took a close-up photograph of your bottom…

And posted it online asking,

“Can anyone tell me if this one’s a boy?”

I suspect there would be paperwork.

Possibly a register.

Yet when humans do it…

The replies begin.

“Definitely male.”

“No, definitely female.”

“Can you get a closer picture?”

Honestly…

If an alien landed on Earth tomorrow…

I’m fairly sure it would conclude that humans identify tortoises almost entirely by their bottoms.

Now then…

Let’s imagine you’ve finally discovered I’m a boy.

Wonderful.

What happens now?

Are we having one of those famous human gender reveals?

Blue balloons?

A cake?

Tiny paper hats?

A banner saying…

“It’s a Boy!”

Will everyone clap politely…

…while I carry on eating a dandelion…

…completely unaware that I’ve somehow become the guest of honour?

Because here’s the funny thing…

Tomorrow morning…

You’ll still be picking exactly the same weeds.

You’ll still be making sure I have sunshine.

Shade.

Fresh water.

Deep soil.

A safe place to hide.

And somewhere peaceful to wander.

Whether I’m a he…

Or a she…

Absolutely none of that changes.

Now here’s a little secret.

When we’re very young…

Even experienced keepers can often only make an educated guess.

Nature doesn’t enjoy being rushed.

She reveals things when she’s ready.

But if you spend less time studying our bottoms…

…and more time studying our behaviour…

We’ll usually tell you ourselves.

One day I might suddenly decide your favourite shoe is irresistibly attractive.

Or I might spend hours carefully searching for the perfect place to lay eggs.

Either way…

You won’t discover my secret because you became an expert at looking underneath me.

You’ll discover it because you became an expert at understanding me.

Humans…

Here’s my final lesson.

Stop staring at our bottoms…

…and start watching our lives.

You’ll learn far more.

Because tortoises don’t do gender reveals.

We do character reveals.

And trust me…

My personality is much more interesting than my backside.

With love,

Manuel x

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