HEATWAVE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MANUEL AT THE TORTOISE HOTEL®

ATTENTION ALL TORTOISES.

And humans, I suppose you’d better listen too.

Another heatwave is arriving.

Which means one thing.

Our solar panel shell is charging.

And judging by what happened during the last lot of hot weather, some of my fellow tortoises have been making excellent use of the additional horsepower.

I have been receiving reports of tortoises turning up absolutely everywhere.

In skips.

In fields.

In neighbours’ gardens.

Sharing the garden with the neighbours’ chickens.

Crossing streams.

Walking along roads.

And, extraordinarily, turning up on railway lines.

One of my fellow tortoises was even reported by railway staff as travelling “at pace.”

AT PACE.

Finally, some recognition.

Humans have spent centuries calling us slow.

We have deliberately chosen not to correct them.

The truth is, once the sun comes out and our solar panels reach full charge, that sleepy little tortoise you’ve been watching suddenly becomes…

THE McLAREN OF TORTOISES.

Zero to missing in approximately 14 seconds.

And then comes my favourite part.

The human who finds us.

“Oh look! A tortoise!”

They take us home.

Pop us in the garden.

Maybe give us a little lettuce.

Take a photograph.

Put it on Facebook.

And approximately three hours later begin to realise…

Good grief. This thing doesn’t stop moving.

Meanwhile, the tortoise has already completed a full security assessment of their garden and identified three possible exits.

So much so that my human is now seriously considering opening what may be Britain’s first:

48-HOUR EMERGENCY HOMELESS TORTOISE SHELTER.

Because if this heat continues, I can almost guarantee the telephone will start ringing.

“I’ve found a tortoise.”

“There’s a tortoise in my garden.”

“My neighbour’s found one with her chickens.”

“We’ve found one walking down the road.”

“I’ve brought one home and now I don’t know what to do with it.”

My human is predicting approximately 10–15 temporary residents.

Personally, I’m considering installing bunk beds.

So before the Great British Tortoise Migration begins again, humans, please do something for me.

CHECK YOUR ENCLOSURES.

That gate you left open for thirty seconds?

Noted.

Tiny gap underneath the fence?

Measured.

Plant pot conveniently positioned beside the wall?

Thank you.

Loose corner?

Already inspected.

We are not wandering around aimlessly.

We are conducting a security assessment.

And while we’re talking about enclosures, I want to say something important.

To every wonderful human who has built us an outdoor enclosure:

Thank you.

Seriously.

Giving us proper outdoor space where we can walk, forage, bask, explore and behave like tortoises is one of the best things you can do for us.

So this isn’t criticism.

It’s just something I desperately need you to check before this heat arrives.

If your enclosure is around six feet by three feet or smaller, please be on red alert during extreme heat.

The smaller the enclosure, the fewer choices we have.

We don’t regulate our temperature by pressing a button.

We move.

Sun.

Shade.

Cool soil.

Plants.

Deep cover.

Back into warmth.

Back into shade.

But that only works if you’ve actually provided somewhere cool enough for us to go.

One small plant in the corner isn’t enough.

Neither is a little wooden house sitting in blazing sunshine.

During extreme heat we need proper, deep, cool shade.

Think less:

“Lovely tidy tortoise enclosure with three attractive plants.”

And more:

“Small Mediterranean forest floor.”

Dense grasses.

Large leafy plants.

Bushes.

Overlapping vegetation.

Deep soil.

Dark hiding places.

Places where the sun simply cannot reach us.

Here’s Manuel’s easiest test.

Stand above your enclosure.

If you can see virtually all of your tortoise, your tortoise probably hasn’t got enough places to disappear.

Then get down to our level.

Four inches above the ground.

Where is the cool bit?

Where is the deep shade?

Where would YOU go if you were wearing a shell in extreme heat?

That’s the view that matters.

So tomorrow:

Fresh water.

Deep shade.

Cool ground.

Plenty of choices.

Check every fence.

Check every gate.

Move climbing opportunities away from boundaries.

And never, ever look at a tiny gap and say:

“He’ll never fit through there.”

Because somewhere in Britain, a tortoise has just heard you…

…and accepted the challenge.

Stay cool.

Stay safe.

And fellow tortoises, should you nevertheless find yourselves in a skip, a field, with the neighbour’s chickens or approaching Platform 2…

Please look surprised when apprehended.

A fully charged tortoise is basically a McLaren with a shell.

Manuel x

Potential Co-Founder, 48-Hour Homeless Tortoise Shelter

The Tortoise Hotel®